We’re here. It’s the morning after we’ve moved Becca into
her dorm -- the first time she’s left home -- and my head is filled with what
that means to her and what it was like for me 40 years ago when I did the same
thing.
She’s a little nervous, understandably, but so ready to take
this next big step into what her life will become after childhood; she’s thoughtful
and excited about what choices she gets to make. I, on the other hand, had no
beginning jitters that I can remember, which doesn’t seem possible as I watch both
of my daughters prepare, but I think it was true. There had to be some
apprehension about taking such a big step – leaving home to go to school in a
city I didn’t know (I grew up outside Manhattan and I was going to school in
Philadelphia) – but I think it was minimal and plays no part in my memories.
For me, it was all excitement about what was to come. I was, perhaps, more ready
to leave. I grew up going into New York on a regular basis, raised by a mother
who revered the city and who constantly encouraged me to want what that city
could offer. My daughters have lived their early lives in a small, idyllic and
somewhat parochial town by the ocean. But despite their apprehension, I think
they are both ready for more. Like my mother I have encouraged them to look
beyond our small town, lovely as it is. They have so much to offer. They will
thrive out in the larger world.
My nervousness comes now, as I face life without children in
my house on a day-to-day basis. I have put being a mother first - sometimes
imperfectly, but always most importantly -- for 30 years. My son was born in
1982 and my girls in 1993. Parenting has been my favorite and hardest job. I
know it never ends. I will always worry if they’re alright, even if they are 30
or older, but it will no longer be my daily job. I have been concerned about
what comes next for me. For the first time in 30 years, I get to be that girl
again, that girl on the threshold, full of excitement about what is to come.